I’ll Tell You

i hate it when you have to leave–cause waking up to you in the morning is the best way to say hello to the day. I know I make mistakes, I often point them out when I do. But if I recognize a mistake, why can I not fix it? Instead, I repeat myself, regretting every rotation . I seem to be stuck in a perpetual loop of dissatisfaction with myself. And I don’t want you to get caught up in my whirlwind. I care to much about you. I still have miles and miles and miles on my path to enlightenment. I hope you will share the journey with me. You don’t know how deeply you have affected me. I came from such a different place than where I am now. I’ve grown to know true passion, and how sensitive it makes you mentally– I used to be stone. Feelings–those were so mysterious to me. And my some of my old tendencies leach into us, but I don’t mean for them to. I’m trying so hard to become more thoughtful, more understanding, for myself, and in turn for the ones I love. I do not want to die unhappy. I try my best. Sometimes what I think is my best is really only half of it. But I’m still learning, still growing and getting stronger. I want to make life better for others. At times I do not show that that is true about myself. But deep inside my heart I am certain–that I want to make this world better. And nobody has to believe that. As long as I know it for myself. But what you must believe in is my love that has grown into a jungle, mysterious and deep. And you must believe, no–you must know that at the center of all that life is you. You who have awakened in me all the dormant sparks of rapture and affection. You who have introduced me to a world not so sharp and bleak. You who have been the sweetness, when all I had in me was bitter. I love you.

In Headlights

The back hand of Silence
strikes the lord of my mouth,
and all that comes out
of what I wanted once–
is an awkward afterthought.

Took Red

I don’t care, as long as it’s good. I feel easy, though I know that shit makes it hard for me to say that. Regardless. I feel easy. It’s what’s going on around me that’s hard–it’s death and love and fear and longing. It’s curiosity, hellfire, guilt, exposure. It’s the unveiling of undeniable duality that runs the ebb and flow. It’s going back and forth through time. It’s fish swimming in circles. It’s ghostly children telling me their mothers were with him when he went. It’s fluid built around the heart. It’s all my past selves playing hide and seek with me now. It’s feeling warm in someone’s arms. It’s a smile through all that darkness so a set of white teeth show through the obscure. It’s dropping the blue pill down the drain. And it’s me wanting to be something I’m proud of. It’s me trying to just get a grip. It’s me ripping off the skin to see how things really go. I’d like to have all that come without me knowing. But I’m aware and there’s no off switch for a third eye, I’d say. And I took The Red.

in the shower-

I’m driving down this road at noon. Somewhere in Arizona. The mirage glimmers are tinted aviator brown. My shades.

I pass the mile markers, I get older and I realize that Love just doesn’t give a shit. It doesn’t care about morals, and it doesn’t distinguish between right and wrong, left and right, between angels and demons.

Details like those mean nothing to Love.

You can love a criminal in the same unbiased way you love a baby. There’s something in Love that takes out all thoughts of duty and fear.

And when shit hits the fan, the day of judgment’s damned. Even for the holy.

I know now that’s how it goes and goes and goes.

confession: from soldier to lamb

I used to believe that I’d never come to know a broken heart.

Heavily fortified, its tight stone walls protected me from raiders and vandals. I was ever vigilant, making sure that nothing but the gentlest impression was harbored in that realm of emotion.

I lived behind the walls unafraid, for all I felt had to pass through a filter so that it was down feather soft before it hit me.

I knew nothing of pain, of dying, of the devastating howls of a mother robbed of her child.

Everything was cotton candy before the 13th. I was invincible before that day.

But on the 13th everything crumbled, crushed by the hands of a man on a motorcycle.

He rode right through my fortress, breaking all the glass, dragging me with him under the black of his tires, dragging me with him to the white of dying. Except the Fates didn’t want me. They chose him to rock shut. They let me stay open… open like I’d never known.

Because the gates inside me were always closed to everyone; not just to my enemies, but to friends as well. I could take no chances.

But that Motorcycle Man made me see that life is nothing except chances, and if I intended on living full and hard, I couldn’t do it trapped in a glass jar, observing, but experiencing nothing with my first hands.

He destroyed all the walls and guards inside me. So all that is left is flesh; exposed, soft, vulnerable.

In my chest rattle broken bits of what used to be the soldier.
I was wounded and he took off my armor.
Now I am the lamb.